Peter Mayle (itis)
Every so often it's important to take a good long hard look at myself in the mirror. Sticking my tongue out I take a close inspection, arghhhhhhh, wider. The mouth snaps shut and I let out a sigh of relief. 'It's okay' I say to no-one in particular, 'I'm showing no signs of PeterMayleitis.
This is a condition that if not recognised can linger without the sufferer being aware that they stick out like a sore thumb, indeed the carrier feels no pain or ill affects whatsoever, they simply make everyone around them feel sick. After note: carriers are usually of English origin. Effortlessly fanning the flames of this malaise are the constant churning out of articles usually entitled La France Profonde. Now I would be the first one to admit to penning 'hammock type moment' posts leaving readers dreamy and hungry after reading juicy descriptions that can occur in the leisurely environment of the French countryside but then, (shock horror) I'm selling a product, and, dare I say it, I sell it extremely well and everyone is happy but then it's a slice of life you are getting not the whole loaf, so to speak.
Luxurious lingering on cosy scenes of bustling markets piled high with fat saucissons and tables groaning with fresh oozing cheeses indeed exist but the reality is different, you just need the sense and sensitivity to recognise it. I recite my general views on life out loud to His Lordship whilst sitting propped up in bed this morning staring out at the startling blue sky, darling little fluffy white clouds prettily bobbing past whilst the snow on the Pyrenees twinkled prettily. Or rather I sipped my lukewarm tea merely out of politeness rather than pleasure and stared at the blank dreary skyline of endless grey clouds and grumbled I couldn't see any sign of sun.
After demanding a fresh pot of tea I continue my outline for my views on life in general, we scan the latest global news. His Lordship places his cup down firmly. 'You simply can't write that' he says.
'One day I will' I say.
One day I will and there won't be a single solitary crumb of detail left out.