Blogging from Bridport Day 2

Day 2

The cast:
Me
The Undertaker (husband)
Nearly 90 (mother)
On the ground in France (son)
Office darling (daughter)

This is what greeted me this morning on entering the kitchen. Unbelievable. It was my own fault that 'The Undertaker' had beat me to it and mighty pleased he looked with himself too. Smirking like a Cheshire cat actually. If only I hadn't wasted my precious time and energy on some annoying 'do gooder' on twitter. The 'ignore ignore ignore' alarm bells should have sounded but, 'oh no' she was far too up herself in her superiority to get away with it. Problem is when you have a pop at these people they remain on their aloof pedestals. 'Layers of superglue on her bony arse' I remark to 'The Undertaker'. We both hoot with laughter. Heart attack avoided for the time being.

Yesterday after I had lit a cosy little fire at 4 o'clock on the dot, ready for Boris at 5, 'The Undertaker' regales me with tales of the unknown. I get a daily dose of death in all its nakedness. He tells me whats going on behind the scenes, the nitty gritty of disposal and the plans to deal with the surge in bodies. 'You repeat non of this' he says sternly. Gagging order No 1 has been served on me.

'Office darling' was not entirely honest with me yesterday. To my mind closed is closed, open is open, how is there an in-between? 'You would have kicked off' she said. I was incredulous. This ever growing crisis really is weeding out the knobs. She was right though, could I have held my tongue?
'And you don't repeat any of this in detail, no names, no clues, no giveaways' Gagging order No 2 has been served on me.

I phone 'Nearly 90' for an update on her day. I am SO GLAD we kept the landline and took the option of unlimited landline calls. We will get there eventually with video calls via messenger but these things will wait. She assures me she has 'plenty to keep herself occupied'. No sign of copious posts on the social whinging sites on how to keep the over 70's happy and occupied in this crisis. #justsaying.

Eventually, and I mean eventually she admits to an unpleasant incident. Then she starts worrying I may repeat it. Gagging Order No 3 has just been served.
I won't repeat it obviously but could I just ask those of you who are bleating about the awfulness of those who have 'lost their youth' by the abrupt closing of schools today and fretting that children haven't had time to say  a fond 'farewell' to their school mates to just simply 'shut up'. They are embarrassed by you posting all over Facebook. Give them some credit for God's sake.

And breathe...

'On the ground in France' is speechless at our 'airy fairyness' 'How's it going'? I enquire. 'Mum its mental' he says 'you have no idea'. But he doesn't issue a Gagging Order which is something. The airports may close down on Monday but they have to get the squawking masses piled onto the planes home first.

Do you own a second holiday home by per chance? Were you thinking of self isolating in Cornwall/Devon/Dorset and hoping that strenuous walks in the bracing West Country air will keep you safe? We don't want you here. Stay at home and self isolate there. This way you wont clog up our health services if you fall ill. Agree or disagree? It also keeps the bog rolls and wine supply chain flowing for us locals.

Talking of bog rolls, (hell who ever thought this would be a serious talking point) 'The Undertaker' actually had the audacity to ask me how many squares I was using at a time. Its like when the doctor asks you how many units you drink per week, they always double it for the real truth. 'Two' I reply, 'four if, you know...' For some reason I start laughing and he doesn't. 'Two squares is sufficient' he says.

When it comes to the breaking of the sacred Green and Blacks chocolate bar later (with sea salt), is anyone else struggling with an addiction out there? I solemnly place two squares in front of him. 'What the hell is this'? he demands. 'Two squares is sufficient' I repeat in a parrot like fashion.

Took him a while to get the joke. Honestly this is what we are reduced to.